Every gardener has a persecution complex.
Men far more than women.
You rarely hear a woman calling aphids “bastards”.
You never hear them shrieking obscenities at pigeons.
You never see women, standing in the middle of a vegetable patch, wringing their hands and wailing “ Woe! Woe! And thrice woe! Something’s been having a go at my runners! I am not a bad person. So why inflict me with thrips?”
Or asking ; “What have I done to deserve rhubarb crown rot?”
Women are far more phlegmatic gardeners than male gardeners. They shrug off black spot with a broad-minded, liberal “It is what it is” philosophy.
They forgive eelworms and gall weevils for just doing what eelworms and gall weevils do.
They repel cats humanely and naturally. With lion dung.
They deter squirrels with peppermint, curry powder and cayenne pepper.
They are philosophical about tomato leaf curl, cucumber mosaic virus and destructive larvae.
Larvae have to eat to grow.
But men take things like green top, powdery mildew and sweetcorn smut seriously.
They take frost personally. They bewail destiny.
They think the gardening gods have it in for them. That they toy with their vegetable plots and treat their green houses as their playthings. That their – and their celeryy only- has been especially selected to bolt. That an unkind, cruel Providence has chosen to be nasty towards their lettuce and malignant towards their brassicas. That a malicious Fate has sent blight into their beds. Not occasionally but constantly.
That they – and they alone – have be singled to suffer badly from potato gangrene, red spider mite and asparagus beetle.
And Japanese knotweed.
Men become pathological protecting their precious home-grown crops. They seriously consider suspending a giant buzzard Blimp over their kitchen garden to frighten off rabbits. Some, with really big molehills on their lawn, even consider landmines. The amimal kingdom drives men to their wit’s end if they are gardeners.
Men may be martyrs to caterpillars, slugs and snails. But they do not suffer greenfly or swede midge gladly.
Women are more positive. They appreciate how the eco system work. They treat equally ladybirds, hoverflies, parasitic wasps and soldier beetles. They tolerate pests instinctively. Having spent so much time married to them.
You hardly ever see a woman angrily stamping up and down on a mole hill or advocating widespread, industrial deforestation to minimize hay fever.
While they may be equally vulnerable to horticultural bad luck in terms of swede midge and parsnip canker, the one thing the two sexes do have in common in the garden is hay fever. Runny, smarting, swollen eyes, a snivelly, streaming nose. “scratchy” throat and an irritatingly tickly cough are occupational summer-time hazards.
It is hard to justify and rationalize hay fever as trees just feeling randy when you are bunged up and feel so miserable. Nothing is worse or more embarrassing than your neighbour proudly showing off his dusky crane’s bills and, the prey to airborne allergen particles and a high birch and grass pollen count, you proceed to be seized by a loud, lengthy sneezing fit and disrespectfully spraying your nasal mucosa all over his prized geranium phaeums.
Perhaps the saddest sight of the summer, alongside clematis wilt, heartless cabbage and split carrots, is of a newly-wed bride in tears. Not through the emotion of her “Big Day”. But because her bouquet has very high pollen count and the baby’s breath, chrysanthemums and asters have triggered her. This why sunflowers don’t make great cut flowers or wedding bouquets. They are packed with pollen.
It is hard to blame climate change and seasonably mild winters, warm springs and dry summers for the way you feel sometimes. Swearing a lot is a symptom of hay fever. But cursing the Met Office doesn’t help.
What does is creating a low-allergen garden. To minimise the risk of exposure to debilitating pollen levels. Gardeners dread pollen more than they do leatherjackets and chafer grubs.
It’s common knowledge that gardening is the main cause of hay fever. Over ten million people in the UK suffer from it. Some believe gardening is a disease in itself. But, while it’s almost impossible to avoid pollen during the summer months, there are a number of practical steps you can take to rhinitis-proof yourself and your garden.
This doesn’t mean extreme defence and relief measure like injections, antihistamine tablets, allergen-specific immunotherapy hypo-sensitization sessions in Swiss clinics, gardening at night in a headtorch or building a giant, hermetically-sealed Eden Project-like dome over your back garden to keep out breeze-born spores, wearing outsized smelting goggles or expecting someone else to offer to mow the grass.
It means pollen-conscious planting.
We all know that many plants, such as yarrow, bring in predatory insects to despatch undesirables and villains of the peace. But peonies, azaleas, carnations, Viola Sorbeta, zinnias and snapdragons all lower the chance of bad hay fever attacks. Hydrangeas produce very little pollen. Mopheads and lace tops have thirty flowerheads establish quickly and are suitable for clay soils. An anti-nasal eructation grouping of “lollipop” Limelight Hydrangeas is recommended and other hydrangeas like “Anabelle”, “Red Baron”, “Rotschwanz”, “Bouquet Rose” and the beautiful pink-edged “Mirai”.
Grow flower varieties that don’t rely on wind pollination. That are insect-pollinated. Plant female trees. Look at stinging nettles differently. The are one of the best hypoallergenic flowers.
Avoid pet hair and “dander” exacerbating your snivels and recurrent horticultural mood disorders. Dump the dog. Get a pet spider instead. Spiderlings love pollen and spiders feed their young on it.
Wear a hat or count yourself lucky if you are bald. Alopecia is a great pollen deterrent.
And avoid alcohol.
Make yourself a hypoallergenic mocktail instead.
Ingredients
- Wasabi powder
- Garam masala
- Cumin
- Rosemary oil
- Eucalyptus oil
- Olive oil (room temperature)
- Capers
- Parsley
- Catmint
- Gingko
- Nutmeg
- Raw onion
- Raw garlic
- Chives
- Stinky hellebore essence
- Black and white pepper
- Baking soda
- Bonemeal
- Vaseline
- Vick’s Vapour Rub
- Nut milk
- Garnish with vinegar-soaked pineapple core
And sit back and enjoy your “Endless Summer”, “Ruby Slippers”, “Hot Chocolate”. “Sweet Cupcake” and “Blueberry Cheesecake” hydrangeas.
Rather than your Kleenex tissues.
If you don’t escape the hay fever, your breath will certainly get rid of all those nasty bugs.